| Trippin over my own thoughts |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|04:07 pm] |
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I started this journal a long time ago with plans to talk about what I am feeling, but I never got around to it. Honestly I've tried to fight what I am feeling for over a year now, and I don't know if I can or even want to fight it anymore.
For most of my life I have identified as a lesbian. I was always a tomboy, I always preferred wearing mens clothes, and doing guy things, and I always found women attractive. Within the past few years I have came out to all my family and friends, and everyone has been very excepting.
Now however I am starting to think that perhaps I'm not just a boish lesbian, but I may actually be transgendered. All I can think about is how much I'd love to be a man. And if I stop and think about it, every since I was a teenager I always fantasized about being a guy. I used to get on the computer and pretend to be a guy, and have online girlfriends, and it was like I just had this whole other side of me.
I cant stand having breasts, it makes me so self concious, and even when I wear a binder they still show, and my friends are like why are u wearing that? Most of my friends are lesbians and they dont understand why I want to be a guy. So I am stuck with nobody to talk to about the things that I feel, because there is nobody who understands.
I really want to talk to a therapist, and just if nothing else at least get some of this off of my chest. I have so many questions and confusion and it seems to grow everyday. I dont know if I would be ready to take the steps to transition, and even if I was I dont have the money to do so. Then there is my family. I don't know how well my mom would understand. I mean shes really supportive of me, and has finally come around to me wearing guys clothes, and not being girly but I dont know if she could understand me wanting to change my gender.
We did have a brief discussion on the matter once, and she seemed to understand that people are born in the wrong sex sometimes, but if it were me I dont know what she would do. Plus my sister who I live with is now expecting a baby, and if I am going to make a change I need to decide on it soon, before it would be old enough to get confused lol.
Ahhh I dunno what to do. I feel so alone, so confused. I wish I lived somewhere else where there was more people I could relate too. |
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| New Journal |
[May. 28th, 2006|02:51 pm] |
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Well I started this journal to kind of write down all my thoughts, and feelings that I don't really feel comfortable expressing other places yet. I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am, and what I want in my life right now. So hopefully this journal will show my progression. |
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